so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
