Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
there is glitter all over my balls
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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