Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
