The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
