I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
