I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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