FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
