I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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