Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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