I look better un-naked...
i wish my penis had a tongue
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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