I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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