There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the day after is always just damage control
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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