I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
They took my balls.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
