and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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