We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
