I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
