Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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