I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
