dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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