Already got asked if we're dating
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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