So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
