lets start a swedish sibling band together
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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