I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
