i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
