All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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