so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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