1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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