No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
