Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
