I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
