Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
