dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
