Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
