I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
