so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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