I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just gift wrapped bread.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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