well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
