My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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