My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
