its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
