dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
