Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
