Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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