I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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