I wish life had little blips of pornography
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
