her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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