i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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