True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
