I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
