I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
