I hate all girls vehemently.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize