If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
