Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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