I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
