I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
